Category — Feminism

I’m fed up with distorted images of women and girls.

Recently the websites I frequent kept assaulting me with pictures of a mother who’d made some questionable choices. It doesn’t matter which mother, because these news stories are all the same. Just another mother who does something extreme, which becomes sensationalized, it seems, entirely so that the vast majority of us will gasp in real or mock horror, and opine on this particular individual’s lack of parenting skills, sense of propriety, or grip on reality. Another crazy-pants mother spotlighted because of how she feeds, grooms, disciplines, or otherwise raises her kids.  Some cases are horrifying, others comically grotesque, but in all, the women (okay, parents: an occasional nut-job dad appears) are caricatures.

And that’s wrong. Because whatever the headline, these are real people making choices with real consequences. And often they are people who are sincerely parenting as well as they know how, and they’re held up as a punch line, or a symptom, or a cautionary tale. I’m not saying that the mothers in each Shocking Mother Story of the Day are blameless and innocent. But their children are, and they don’t deserve to have family lives raked over the coals to satisfy our collective blood lust. It feels like something primitive, a sort of bitter satisfaction, an appealing reassurance that, “No matter what my flaws are, I’m not that bad.”

I think that this rush to judgement is a reaction to how judged we all feel these days. Because the other side of this distorted female coin is the media-manufactured image of what we are supposed to be: beautiful, successful, slim, crafty, sweet, sexy, patient women. Women who adhere to a standard that is only possible with the help of photographic alterations and endless investments of time and money.

In both cases, media is obliterating the normal. There’s nothing newsworthy about an average mom who loves her kids and makes considered, reasonable parenting choices. The wacky just sucks us in.

But we’ve got to stop allowing ourselves to be spoon-fed media crap. It’s hard not to careen from a story of a mom of a 2-month-old taking her sleek-angled, spiky-heeled bod to a hot yoga class, then read about the latest mother who tied her child to a chair for not eating peas and console ourselves that, sure, we’ll never be her, but at least we’re not her.

Recently I fell into a sort of existential despair when I learned that one of my daughter’s 4th-grade friends loves the show Dance Moms. I’d heard, vaguely, that it was awful. Then I watched an episode–the little girls wearing make-up, the fights and emotional abuse, the sexualized dancing–and thought about what lessons it was teaching young girls who watch it. I’m sure that one could make an argument about the value of working hard, but there are surely better vehicles for learning those lessons, right? Please? Worse is knowing that these are real children living it, and real mothers who sincerely want to make the best choices for their little daughters and have somehow decided that this is it.

We need to refuse to consume the crap that denigrates and debases all of us. We need to stop finding entertainment in real lives that are lampooned in reality shows like Toddlers & Tiaras and Dance Moms. Refuse to accept fiction masquerading as how-tos in beauty and celebrity magazines. Stop fueling the social media frenzy over each Shocking Mother Story of the Day by refusing to click on all of those Bad Mommy Stories, no matter how curiosity-inducing a headline may be.

Because most of us are consuming way too many media-concocted narratives that are poisonous. These stories don’t help us learn about ourselves or make the world a better place. There is beauty, and drama, and power in the average and the everyday. There are plenty of “normal” mothers who do extraordinary things, and there is so much about our normal lives which is extraordinary. If we spent more time recognizing this and reveling in it, all of our lives would be richer.

What disturbs me most is that it feels like things have gone beyond sensationalizing the exceptional and into obliterating the normal. I read recently that some online shopping sites now airbrush out kneecaps when they’re selling skirts and shorts. Because kneecaps are considered unsightly. So pedestrian, really, to want to be able to bend your knees.

Screw that. I like my knees. Hell, I like your knees. And I don’t want to spend my time judging your parenting–or hers either–because life is hard enough without all the judging. And reading this stuff, and watching this stuff, it’s really tough not to judge. So I’m going to do my best to avoid it. Tune it out. I resent the stories about the Bad Moms, or seemingly Bad Moms, just like I resent those pop-up ads that show the sad fat lady shrinking and shrinking until she’s a happy skinny lady. I feel like these messages are trying to shrink all of us, and when we don’t notice it, we consume it mindlessly. We accept it as if it is worthy of our attention.

I don’t think that I’m the only one feeling this way. We so crave the normal and self-affirming that bloggers are giddy over a celebrity choosing parenting priorities over appearances.  We get all excited about Dove’s ad makeover campaign, even if it, like its “real beauty” campaign, is kind of fake, too. We congratulate smart, powerful women for being brave enough to eschew foundation make-up.  The Bloggess, a champion of all that is heartbreaking and hilarious about the everyday and who insists that every one deserves to feel gorgeous and special once in a while, is on the bestseller list, along with several of my favorite, most kick-butt women.

So, what can we do? Notice what we’re reading or watching and think about how it impacts our perceptions of ourselves and others. How is our media diet impacting the health of our souls?  We need to refuse to consume media that creates fun-house spectacles of other women or insane expectations of ourselves.  We need to take a lesson from that 8th grader with her Seventeen petition and speak up to media who aren’t treating us right. We can choose to focus on the perspectives of those moms and other women who offer integrity and insight, whose stories enhance our appreciation of our own journey as parents and as people and provide new perspectives and understanding of our world.

We need to ponder what deserves the gift of our attentiveness, and direct our attention with consciousness and compassion.

This not-super-fit but salty-delicious seaside chair was brought to you by. . . knees.

Over the weekend, I visited Hudson Valley Community College’s Summer Camp Fair.  I walked around telling people to add their camps to KidsOutAndAbout.com, and I heard about tons and tons of programs for the summer. Debra’s been sharing a “Camp of the Day” on the KidsOutAndAbout Facebook page, which somehow makes it seem just fun and not as utterly and completely overwhelming as it feels when I just look at lists of everything. The trouble is that there’s just so much, and a lot of it costs serious money, and schedules are all so different, and our various family schedules often conflict with what we want, and next thing you know, the whole process of choosing our summer camp plans starts to give me a bit of a headache. Especially when the one camp M insisted was her absolute must-do (Camp Wa Wa, Session 7) now conflicts with our family vacation (vacation wins, and it’s not even close), and her new, revised must-do is a small soccer camp (West) that has yet to announce its dates or, incidentally, return my emails. And beyond just figuring out our own plans and scheduling, there’s trying to negotiate and coordinate with the girls’ friends. Sigh.

But enough whining! Beyond the frustrations, there are Camps in Whose Existence I Revel. Because I am a feminist mother of daughters, I was super-excited to hear about some awesome-looking area Girl Power Camps. Here are a few:

Rosie’s Girls is a summer program teaching carpentry, automotive repair, masonry, and other non-traditional trades to girls going into 7th, 8th, or 9th grades. It’s being offered in New York for the first time ever at Emma Willard School. Beyond the trades-oriented stuff, they’ll have arts and games and other camps with an emphasis on helping each girl find “her own strength, power, and confidence.” Um, hello, when are they going to offer this for 30- to 40-something women, please? Emma has other girl programs including day camp for ages 6 to 14 and academic enrichment for the high school set.

Camp Little Notch is a girls’ overnight camp in the Adirondacks with a mission to promote girls living in harmony with nature, each other, and themselves. It’s for girls ages 7 to 17, and they strive for plenty of diversity and positive mentoring. There’s group activity and free time to explore new things, which range from ropes courses and primitive camping to batiking to sailing to yoga and journaling. Again, I think that I would like to attend this as a little retreat for myself. Would that be awkward, if I bunked with the tweens? I’ve oh-so-casually put this on the table while the girls are doing homework. We’ll see if it takes.

And of course, who can forget the Girl Scouts? Actually, I knew about their summer camps–they’ve got day camps with a bus service and overnight camps–already. J attended a week at Camp Woodhaven last year, and we get their summertime brochures because M is currently a troop member. But it’s worth spreading the word, because I think that people have the sense that if you’re not a regular member of a local troop, you can’t be a Girl Scout. Au contraire.  There are different “pathways” like signing up for trips, a series or class on a specific topic, or special events. So, for example, later in April you could sign up for a Camp-in at the Boston Museum of Science, and over Memorial Day Weekend, there’s a Family Camp at Hidden Lake Camp that I just almost had to cut-and-paste into an email to Cute W. That’s because if I’m understanding it correctly, it’s $25/person for 3 nights of camping at Hidden Lake Camp near Lake George. Which my children would completely love. And I almost began to hyperventilate because on Saturday there’s a special ropes course ($25/person), but then I read that participants have to be 10 and up. Bummer. Because that sounds super-fun to me. Although, seriously? If they feed us, then that would still be a 3-night rustic vacation for a hundred bucks, so I’m still tempted. All of those spring programs that I mentioned are in this brochure.

I wrote a review of Saturday’s Laurie Berkner Band concert. It’s over on KidsOutAndAbout.com. I was a little scattered that day because we were running straight to the show after ice skating, so I forgot my camera. But there are photos from the concert over on The Angel Forever, in case you’re wondering what a “a surprisingly chic giraffe-print pouffy party dress with pink ruffles” looks like. The review is a love-fest, and not just because we got review tickets and a giveaway: pack I just love her. Oh, and not only that, but Deb tweeted the review @KidsOutAlbany, and Laurie tweeted back. It’s like, she almost talked to me.

And speaking of cool women, I don’t know why it took me so long to figure out that Amy Poehler and friends have a web-based show called “Smart Girls at the Party” with the tagline “change the world by being yourself.” Holy cow I think she’s fabulous. The girls haven’t seen any of the shows, because if I said, “Girls, girls, look, look! Check out this cool show,” then they’d watch it, all skeptical, and possibly roll their eyes. If I look like I happen to be watching it all by myself when they walk by and look over my shoulder, they will be hooked. So, what is this exactly? Tragically manipulative? Not passive-aggressive surely, but passive-awesome? Discuss.

And if you aren’t already overwhelmed by social media, the splendors of the internet, and the fabulosity (yes, I just made that one up) of womanhood, did you hear about the Bloggess and her traveling red dress? If you’re a regular reader, you know that I think that The Bloggess is hilarious, although between the guffaws she’s also shared that she suffers from depression and anxiety. Just about a week ago she posted that she struggles with trying to control a self-harming disorder, and when she did, her readers and fans, in addition to passing along comments and virtual hugs, showed their support by donating to support her traveling red dress. To hear more about that, check out  the original red dress post with lots of follow-up updates, and here’s an article from Forbes.com (which made me laugh at the end, because the writer discloses that she bought a bunch of red dresses after researching the story).

And finally, in honor of future supremely awesome women, if anyone needs to be hooked up with Girl Scout cookies this year, it’s M’s first year selling them. If you’re local or family and want some thin mints at the end of the month, she’s your gal.

Thanks so much for all of the preschool game suggestions in the comments!

Hey, did you know that tomorrow’s the Day of the Girl? Yeah, I didn’t either.

But I’m very excited because over at New Moon Girls, they’re launching Girl-Caught. You can print out your own stickers to slap onto advertisements or products, one that says “This is GIRL-CAUGHT! It disrespects girls & women. Stop It!” and another that says “This is GIRL-CAUGHT! It respects girls & women. Thank you!”

I’m pretty excited, actually. I can barely restrain myself from running out and buying label stock right now. It’s such nice, not-too-scary, sort-of-passive activism. I do think it’s helpful for getting people to sort of train themselves to look at things with a critical eye. And it’s more effective than what usually happens, which is me muttering angrily in the Bratz aisle of my local big box store.

It’s been a girls-only household for us the last few days.  Cute W’s out of town all this week. He even has to miss M’s Back-to-School Night tomorrow. Most of us are coping okay, but our poor cat is bitter and disoriented. She prefers to sleep nestled between his straddled legs.

I was going to talk about breastfeeding in my Teensy Babies posts (here & here), but after I’d asked for suggestions on where to breastfeed, I realized that there was way too much information.  I’ve divided the list into easy places to nurse for the brand-new mom, who’s really looking for privacy and quiet, and a second list for the mom who’s trying to nurse one child while keeping the older child(ren) happy. Brand-new moms can certainly use the places on the second list, too.  In fact, once you get the baby settled in and happy, you might get a chance for some adult conversation. Moms had all sorts of helpful advice for the new-to-nursing folks, so there are some random tips, too.

But first, a disclaimer:  you don’t “need” to go to any special place, because it is your right to breastfeed anywhere you happen to be. I wish I’d really known that early on.  When M was probably about 4 months old, I took her along to a moms’ group outing to a local farm where the kids were picking pumpkins.  I was suffering a bit from what I called one of the new mom Panic Attacks when I realized that I was climbing onto a hayride with a bunch of people who actually had children who could appreciate being on a hayride.  I felt a little bit stupid, but I was persevering.  Then, in the middle of a large field, M started fussing.  Various members of the moms’ group were picking pumpkins, and I was waiting for the hayride back, so I planted (get it?  planted?  at the farm?) myself on a couple of bales of hay.  I was tucked into a corner and feeling relatively sheltered when a lady who worked at the orchard came and told me that I could not feed my baby.  I didn’t know what to do.  I was mortified.  I mean, how did she even find me and notice what I was doing?  I started crying.  M was finished, anyway (or perhaps there’s such a thing as mortification curdling?), and so I just mumbled something about being done and walked away.  Now, what I should have done is said that, yes, I can breastfeed here. Or, if I was scared, I should have gone and told the closest experienced mom in my group, and surely someone would go to whoever was the biggest lactivist at the orchard that day, and someone would have helped me.  But I was new to the group, and a new mom.  In fact, the only real friend I had to tell was another brand-new mom who was still reeling with guilt because she’d stopped breastfeeding (both of our kids are happy, healthy 2nd graders now).  I tried not to show that I was crying through the hayride.  And then I sobbed as I nursed M in my car later.

When I got home, I found the New York State Law:

NY CLS Civ R § 79-e (Article 7 Miscellaneous Provisions).

 

1994 N.Y. ALS 98; 1994 N.Y. LAWS 98; 1994 N.Y. S.N. 3999

 

§ 79-E. Right To Breast Feed.

Notwithstanding any other provision of law, a mother may breast feed her baby in any location, public or private, where the mother is otherwise authorized to be, irrespective of whether or not the nipple of the mother’s breast is covered during or incidental to the breast feeding.

I printed it out and put it into my diaper bag, where it stayed for the next three years or so.  I never had a problem again, but it felt good to be prepared.  You can find a summary of all different state laws on breastfeeding here.

But don’t let that story scare you.  Most people and places are pefectly lovely about breastfeeding.  Here’s a little icon someone showed me:

Businesses post this to let you now that they’re breastfeeding-friendly, or to help you find a good spot for nursing.  In fact, if you know someone with a breastfeeding-friendly business, you should make sure that they know about this so that they can communicate this clearly and score some extra goodwill with moms in the know.  There’s more information here.

Meanwhile, here’s our list of favorite breastfeeding places, with contributions from folks from LLL and Albany Yoga Mamas among others (thank you!):

Good, easy places to nurse:

• Dressing rooms, if it’s not super-busy.  Moms have reported kind and helpful staff people who’ve let them breastfeed at LL Bean, the Gap, and Target.
• Peaches n’ Cream Cafe in Stuyvesant Plaza has a back dining room that’s often quiet when they’re not busy.
• The Albany airport has a “Nursing Lounge” connected to one of the restrooms.
• The Babies R Us in Latham (the same shopping center as Target) has a nursing mothers’ room with a glider rocker, sofa, and changing table.
• At Colonie Center, moms report they like the Macy’s restroom next to lingerie on the second floor.
• There are rumors that Pottery Barn Kids in Crossgates is pretty friendly, but I didn’t get a firsthand account on this one.
• When it warms up, a nice starter place is a quiet park bench.
• Professor Java’s on Wolf Road and many Starbucks locations have sofas, although there’s frequently quite a bit of foot traffic as well.
• Virgil’s House is a coffee place in Saratoga Springs.
• Honest Weight Food Co-op welcomes breastfeeders.

Places to nurse the little one while your older child(ren) will be entertained:

• Colonie Center has a “Family Restroom” with  a rocker and toys for older kids to play with while you nurse the baby.  Their play area has pretty high-backed comfortable benches, too.
• Joyful Jumpers has several couches on one end while the big kids are off playing.  I don’t think I’ve ever gone there and not seen at least one person nursing a baby.
• At the New York State Museum, there are quiet spots near the Iroquois Long House or in the Discovery Center by the puzzles.
• Tiny Tots Tea Room in Clifton Park.
• At the Children’s Museum at Saratoga, moms report good nursing at “little theater” downstairs and the activity room upstairs.
• The Albany Art Room has a nice sofa and is fairly quiet on weekdays.
• At the Clifton Park Library, a mom reports that there  is a “parent’s book” alcove in the left corner of the children’s area that is semi-private and comfortable (with no kids running around) as well as chairs that face outside on the edge of the children’s library area.
• A commenter let us know that The Great Escape now has a nursing room.

• Don’t forget nursing pads when you start to get out of the house.  You can also bring an extra cardigan just in case.
• A couple of different moms recommended Hooter Hiders.
• It’s easy to breastfeed discreetly if you have the right carrier.  Some suggestions: the Mei Tai, the ERGO, the Moby, the Maya Wrap, or other wraps or slings.
• My own very favorite nursing bra was Japanese Weekend’s Hug bra.  No, I couldn’t do jumping jacks in it, but it was comfortable and easy to use.  I bought one and after I tried it I tossed all the other ones bras and just got a couple more of these.
• You might find you’re more worried about exposing that postpartum belly flab than a breast.  Tank tops help. Two that were recommended:  Bravado! tank & Target tanks.
• One mom said that the best piece of advice that she received was think bring the baby in, not bring the breast out.

Experienced parents:  any additions or other advice?

And new moms:  don’t stay home.  Get out there and have some fun.  If you need a little more inspiration, click here.

Over my oatmeal this morning, I read in the Gazette that Hot Harry’s on Union Street in Schenectady will be opening for lunch today.  Don’t bother to click on the Gazette link unless you’re already a subscriber: they are one of those websites that make you pay for the privilege of reading them (bitter?  yes, I am).  I tried to find a better link for you, especially when I heard that they have a group on Facebook.  But when I started to look, “hot harry” pulled up more than 1000 groups.  First, “Prince Harry is Hot”.  Well, maybe, in a “bad boy” sort of way, but I think that it’s really crown-related.  Then many “Harry Potter is Hot” variations:  he’s always seemed delicate and childlike for me, but perhaps that’s because he’s practically a child, which can’t be helped.  And it’s true that he’s been working out. . . . But anyway, for those who don’t know, there was a fire at Harry’s and it was closed for quite a while, making our family rather sad.  Now, for my grown-up tastes, I’d go for Chipotle any day (it also has grass-fed beef and other animals that were at least happy before that last bad day).  In my opinion, Hot Harry’s is a little bit more basic and less flavorful, but let’s face it:  that’s great when you’re trying to feed children.  And they have a super-yummy self-serve salsa bar which can convert dull to delicious.  And we can walk there!  Excellent, because after a large burrito, you feel like you need to take a walk.  So, hooray for Harry’s, glad to have them back!

Meanwhile, in the Albany Times-Union, there’s an article about the impending move for  Seton Health/St. Mary’s birthing center to the Burdett Care Center, which is part of the hospital merger in Troy.   There’s quite a stir over whether the new care center will preserve the “midwifery model” of care.   I love midwives.  Midwives “caught” both of my girls, even though after an incredibly long natural labor & childbirth for M, I decided to drug myself up for J’s birth.   So, it’s not like I’m a natural childbirth activist by any means.

But this reminds me of what happened when I first moved here.  I must have been about 7 months pregnant with M, and we were still commuting up from Brooklyn on the weekends to house hunt and make other arrangements, like finding someone to help us with M’s birth.  At that point, little M was breech, and being first-time parents, we were worried.  First, we visited a doctor.  He was deeply concerned that M was still head’s up.  Well, we asked, is there anything that we can do?  Nothing, he answered, and he literally pulled out an appointment book to talk about tentative timing for a C-section!  Wade and I left nauseated by stress.  Then we visited a midwife.  She said, these babies have a way of getting ready in time–I wouldn’t worry.  Well, meanwhile, we asked, is there anything that we can do?  She pulled out a sheet printed with different ideas of things for me to do at home to encourage M to turn around.  Did some of them seem a little “out there”?  Yes.  Did I do them anyway?  Heck, yeah!   Who knows if I helped the situation, but feeling less powerless sure helped us.  And, sure, there are fabulous doctors, and there must be a god-awful mean midwife out there somewhere, but that’s my little bit of anecdotal evidence.  If, after reading this and the statistics in the article,  you’re feeling inspired to support the midwifery model, there’s a petition going around.